Ladies and Gentlemen: At this time we would like to present the serious portion of the banquet program where once again we observe those solemn and hallowed moments where we recognize those intrepid individuals who are the exponents of ultimate disposal. The Select Society of Sanitary Sludge Shovelers.
Selection to membership is in recognition of "outstanding, meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty" to the Kansas Water Pollution Control Association. Selection bestows the accolade of being elevated "on the official shovel to the highest ridge on the sludge bed, with the title of Select Sludge Shoveler and all the honor, atmosphere, prerequisite and dignity appertaining thereto."
This is the thirteenth year that this prestigious honor has been bestowed upon Kansas - our original ceremonies being consummated in 1972. There are no dues or officers except the "Influent Integrator" designated by the neutral "pH7." His duties are to record and report selections, present official certificates of elevation, bestow badges and preside over these solemn, impressive ceremonies.
At this time I would like to summon the quorum of the Select Sludge Shovelers by calling forward and quondam awardees. The opinions of the judges in selecting awardees are final. In case of ties, duplicate awards are not made, but the judges can be influenced.
Gentlemen, your assistance in administering this rite of integration is needed lest some of our honorees lose their courage at the climatic moment. Those of you who are about to be honored - be brave of heart and come forth to the podium to be duly integrated into our August Society.
Gentlemen, there are some rules of conduct and rituals which you must learn to enable you to carry off this great honor with dignity and elegant deportment.
The grip is made by curling the fingers - as though placing them around the handle of a shovel.
The grand hailing sign is made by raising the grip head high, thumb on the left, and lowering smartly, thus symbolizing the close relationship between water and wastewater in which this association is vitally interested.
The signal of distress is a sweeping motion made with both hands as if shoveling. The chosen station of Select Sanitary Sludge Shoveler is at the opposite end of the meeting room from the President of the Association. The password is derived from the first two letters of the name Shovelers, and is pronounced, "Sh-h-h."
The certificate being presented to you is signed by the "Influent Integrator" as pH7 and must be completed with signatures from twelve other members for the remaining concentrations from pH1 to pH13.
The official "badge" or shovel now being bestowed upon you is symbolic of your deep standings. This "Gold Shovel Emblem" is to be worn from the left breast pocket as a lapel pin or a tie clasp at all Association meetings to indicate a member in high regard. Most people like to know who is a Sanitary Sludge Shoveler so they may keep their proper distance…in respect, of course.
By the Powers vested in me as "Influent Integrator" I hereby declare you to be life member of Select Society of Sanitary Sludge Shovelers.
Duane R. Morgan
Influent Integrator pH7
May 16, 1984